An open letter to all those who think they can write/sing/produce popular music

This is an open letter written to all those who think they can write/sing/produce popular music. You are welcome to sit in on it, even if you don't do any of those things. My personal comments are in parentheses, so you know to switch to my "aside" voice. Those parentheses are more for mine, and your benefit. (Although I'm not exactly sure how you would benefit, but that's not the point.)


Dear humans, (for that is the best way I know how to address you)

I work in a retail establishment. Unfortunately for both of us, this establishment has chosen to play at least one of your songs. I have, therefore, come to hate you.
I make it a point to ask my co-workers your names, since I am blissfully ignorant, and when they answer I write your name in my black book (not the good kind), and promise myself that I will never pick up anything written/sung by you again. This has, of course, swiftly decreased all my listening options. And yet, somehow, I'm all right with that. I'm told that I should just shut you out, just listen to you as background music, and yet, I find that impossible. (For more on this, see post called "There's no such thing as background music") I fully blame you for bringing this pathetic-ness (I don't think that's a word) into the world.

Here are just a few examples of what I mean:

1. Whether you would like to believe it or not, rhyming a word with itself is not actually rhyming. The dictionary definition of rhyming is, "identity in sound of some part". Did you catch that? Identity of some part, not the whole part. And while I'm sure it must really tax you to find a word that rhymes with sky (high, tie, lie, sigh, by, guy, I've got more) I would appreciate it if you would put your "creative genius" to work on it.

2. Your music is uninteresting. I don't know how else to say it. (But I'll try) Your chords are uninteresting. Your singers are uninteresting. Your progressions (if you can call them that) are uninteresting. Your style is uninteresting. And your words are really, really, really uninteresting. I don't know if I can ever express the mental boredom I feel when I listen to your music.

3. I am not an artist, which is probably why I can't understand the anguish, pain, mental torture, thought, persistence, that you put into the following words:

"Fly, fly high, fly high, fly high, fly high, fly, fly, fly, fly, fly high, with me." (these words say so much that I don't even know where to begin)

or

"If I gave you the moon would you notice me....that I'm right beside you." (honestly, if the moon was right beside me, I think I'd be a little more focused on it rather than you)

or

"you're my pride and joy, ec cetera," (thanks for taking the time to thoughtfully think that through)

or

"All I need is a thousand days and nights. That's all I need. Just give me a thousand days and nights. (Is anyone else seriously disturbed that this person is only asking for a three year relationship? And why do people think this is romantic?)

or

"There's a warm wind blowing the stars around" (Okay, admittedly, I'm not a scientist, but I don't think that happens)

or

"Baby, that's right, baby, that's right, baby, baby, that's right, that's right, baby, baby (I have nothing to say. Well, actually I do, but nothing that would fix this)

or

"Every breath you take, every move you make I'll be watching you." (We had a couple at work, who claimed this as "their song" I asked why "the stalker song" was romantic. They claimed it was because it meant that they knew everything about each other. They later broke up, because she was cheating on him.)

or

"I’ve got it made, Rest in the shade, And hold my love, While God above, Stirs with a spoon, We share the moon, Smile at the bees, More sugar please, He really loves us after all, We’re gonna need another straw. (Yes, we can hear your clever rhyming. We also can hear your words making absolutely no sense)

or

"Why do you act so stupid? You know I'm always right." (If you heard the rest of this song, you would sincerely doubt along with me that this singer was always right. Her inability to hit most of her notes may play into that.)

And I have so, so, so, many more.

4. For people who want to start writing pop music:

So, you want to write pop music. How great is that? I always think that we don’t have enough talented people writing pop music. I know where you’re at. It can just rip you up inside, figuring out how to write a new song. I’ve been there before, so never fear. Here are a few suggestions that will be new and exciting:
The first verse is really important, because that's what everybody hears first, so make sure the words make a little bit of sense. Start with everything a little quieter, have a singer sing a mournful melody that gradually becomes a little louder and leads into the chorus.

The chorus is really important, because you need it to be interesting enough that people want it as their ringtone. Here's a great idea, maybe have the bass pick up, the drums come in, the guitars strum a little heavier, the singer let loose with a couple of higher notes. The tempo should get faster, and the emotion should really be exciting.

After the chorus, which also should be easily repeatable and have enough words to make people think your song is saying something, go to the second verse.

It's good to revert to a little bit of the quietness of the first verse, but still retain some of the drums you picked up in the chorus. Now that you're in the second verse, you're almost done with the song, so your words can make a little less sense. If you need to throw in a couple extra syllables that weren't there before, go ahead. If you need to throw in a couple extra notes to fit the words that you thought fit the previous verse but don't, that fine. If you need to smudge a couple of the ending words so it sounds like they're rhyming, go for it. But just arrive at the second chorus safely. From here on out its easy.

The second chorus should be exactly like the first chorus, this makes people feel like they understand your song. The people are singing along now, which detracts the attention away from your song. This is good, that's what you want.

Now we go into the bridge, the single most important part in the whole song. The bridge is not another verse. No one has enough new thoughts for a whole other verse, which is why the bridge was created. The bridge is where your personal artistry can really break through. You have a couple options, have your singer start another verse, and then cut it off after two or three lines. You just need to make sure it really builds in intensity, and leads into the chorus. Or, have your singer sing something totally new that's only a few lines long but that really builds in intensity, leading into the chorus. Or, have your singer sing part of the chorus, but really have it build in intensity, and then lead into the chorus. See? Your song is going to be totally unique depending on which of those three you choose.

Now the next-to-last-final chorus. Let it rip. This time it's highly advisable to have your singer change just a little bit of the chorus, preferably at the end, so the audience who thought they knew the chorus can marvel at your artistry/uniqueness/thought. It's also really funny to watch people who have been singing along loudly try to recover. But whatever you do, keep that intensity.

And then the modulation, that sweet moment when everyone thought it couldn't get any better, and it does. Are you listening? This idea is completely genius. Move the WHOLE CHORUS up a half/whole step. You will not believe the reaction you'll get. Then let the chorus rip one more time. And this time bring in everything, all drums, all singers, all back-up singers, all guitars, all flutes, all pianos, all emotion, all words, all over, again and again.

Endings are overrated. Everyone knows that, so if you don't know exactly how to end it, don't panic. Just pick a phrase and have the group repeat it over and over, then gradually fade them into the background. Or if you do have an ending, finish your chorus loudly, but revert suddenly to the quiet feel that you had at your first verse and just let the singer slip and slide around on their last memorable line. Or, if neither of those options work, there is always the never-before-done option of just suddenly stopping your piece.
I hope some of these new ideas can help with your writing. I’m sure whatever you will turn out will be great.

(If for one moment you think that this formula is only used in pop music, you are an incredibly stupid person, who probably also loves the Petits and Ron Hamilton.)


Thank you for listening to just a few (believe it or not) of my concerns. I understand that one letter can't change the state of pop music. I also understand that many people (idiots) are incredibly happy with the music that you guys write/sing/produce. I just wanted you to know that there are people somewhere, standing in a store, holding their scanner, trying to do their work in peace, and wondering what in the world your last song just meant.

From a person who can't help but listen,
Joanna