The Age of Innocence

I wanted this movie to go on forever.



There's a lot I could say about this movie.



I could talk about how good of an adaptation it is.



I could explain why people think Scorsese couldn't have made it, and why that makes those people stupid.



I could give quotes from Ebert's original review, and his Great Movie review.



I could tell you that Daniel Day-Lewis is incredible.



That Michelle Pfeiffer is amazing.



That Winona Ryder is awesome.



And that Martin Scorsese is genius.



But I'm not going to.



I'm just going to tell you I wanted this movie to go on forever.

I might as well admit it

This summer, I took another part-time job. I'm still working at the retail establishment, but I felt I needed more.

The hours at my other job weren't going to be as many as last year, and I needed money.

I was desperate.

Desperation causes people to agree to strange things. Things they would never agree to otherwise. Trust me.

I am now a tour guide.

I give tours at one of our town's historical sites.

And I'm doing it all dressed in period costume.

-I want you to think about those last few sentences (especially the last one), and smile. At least then someone would be finding humor out of this situation.

"Time and tide wait for no man"

I remember the first time I heard that.

It was in a book. I was reading along completely caught up in the incredible story (the book remains a favorite to this day), and I read the phrase.

The phrase was placed in the book perfectly. It was at a time where the story was so intense the reader wanted to step back and remind themselves they were just reading a story, but the moment was so crucial to the character's integrity the reader was stuck reading on and on. (Don't know what I'm talking about? Obviously you've never read a real book)

I saw the phrase. I had never seen it before. I don't know how I escaped that particular cliche, but when I read those words I knew it was the first time I had ever seen them. I felt as if I had discovered something new.

The author repeated the phrase 2 times to describe it running through the character's head. In my mind, I could see this character on their knees in shock, in pain, in desperation, not knowing what to do, not knowing what to say, but knowing something must be done, something must be said, and foolishly the phrase "Time and tide wait for no man, Time and tide wait for no man" ran over and over in their mind. It was incredible.





I thought about that phrase a lot today.

Today is an anniversary. The same anniversary I "celebrated" (see June 27th "Anniversaries") last year.

I went back to read that post before I wrote this one. I don't often read past posts, but I wanted to read it again.

It surprised me. I remembered exactly what I was feeling then, and I was able to compare it to what I was feeling now. It's strangely similar and oddly dissimilar.

The pain is the same as last year, but the difference from last year to this year is more interesting.

I'm losing some memories of the experience, and I know it.

I don't know how much I can lose before the whole memory is gone. Can that happen? I have to remember-it's vital I remember, so I don't make the same mistakes. But how many details do I have to remember for me to be wise? How many stories do I need to remember for me to turn away from it? How many conversations do I need to remember for me to be surreptitious? How many? How many?

At times I feel strangely peaceful about it, even though I don't want to. I don't ever want to be peaceful about what happened.

But I don't know what I can safely let go? What memories are the vital ones-the ones that sum everything up? Which memories are simply repeats, and reruns (which have their own meaning)? Should I let those go? Which people, or conversations, or situations can I forget, and still not lose what I have to remember?

How do I save those memories from being lost? Should I set aside a time and place to think about them? Should I write them down and read them regularly? Should I talk to someone about them consistently? Or should I let them fade away simply because in my life now they don't come up? Do I lose the lessons I've learned if I can't remember the specific circumstances?

How hard do I fight to hold onto memories? How hard do I fight to let them go?

I woke up last night. I was dreaming about it. As soon as I woke up, the dream began to fade. I found myself struggling to remember the details of the dream the conversations, people, feelings, lessons, experiences, and places. The harder I tried, the less I remembered. The dream was slipping away, the feeling was slipping away, the memory was slipping away and no matter how hard I grasped they weren't coming back. They would never be as strong as they once were.

It was then the phrase came back to me.

Time and tide wait for no man. Time and tide wait for no man.

Annoyances

I just found out about something.

It happened 2-3 years ago. I didn't know about the specific situation then, but I was unhappy with the general situation. People told me I was being mean, cruel and cynical. I told them I was right. That we (sister included) were right. We knew it wasn't the way people told us it was. We knew they were lying to us--and they were. It took three years, but we were proved right.

This scares me: I have a bad feeling about where this general situation is still going. Yesterday, I would have admitted I read a little too much into it 2-3 years ago. I was even ready to "give in" slightly. That changed today.

It's nice to be right. It's nice to be reassured that I should hold my position staunchly. But I have a problem. If I am proved right, then it's going to hurt people I love. I don't want them hurt.

I don't want to be right about this.

But I probably will be.

I don't want that

I was prepared to give you a simply delightful, slightly humorous, decidedly snarky, and enchanting post about my wonderful week. I had lots of little things to tell you. (Started and finished another TV season--in less than one week. I tried out bing--and you should too. Don't worry, it's not going to take over google. I went to the airport at 3:45 this morning. I watched a perfectly charming unrated movie. I spent time with my two almost-to-be sister-in-laws. I read Kafka. I enjoyed TWO days off, and my i-Pod rocks.) Doesn't that sound like me? I could have weaved those wonderful things into an enjoyable read that would have made you smile.

Instead, I got mad.

It's my sister's fault. If you're annoyed about not being able to read the "happy/good week" post, then blame her. She showed me an article the other day, and I got furious. While reading the bad logic, infuriating prose, and pathetic analogies, I continued to formulate my opinions about certain groups.

Here's the funny thing. I'm not entirely sure what I want. For my life, I mean (I know exactly what I want for lunch). I have general direction, and I'm happy with it. I have general ideas, and I'm comfortable with those. I have general plans, and I'm excited about them. But the specifics tend to bother me: Where do I want to apply to grad school? What specifically do I want to get my masters in? Where should I start looking for jobs? How far do I want to move? What kind of school do I want to teach in? When should I buy a new car? Am I ever going to have a nice savings built up? What kind of loans should I look for? What kind of apartment should I look for? Trust me, I've got more.

Somedays, all I can think about is the specific questions. I feel unprepared for the next stage of my life (Does that ever go away?) But other days, I feel confident. Ready to take on everything (which I know is unrealistic). And other days (like today), I have breakthroughs.

I may not know exactly what I want. But I do know exactly what I don't want.

I spent time this morning reading blogs. I generally try to stay away from certain people's blogs. They tend to infuriate me (Maken-I'm talking to you). But today, I was reading about the horrible article, and I found the author's blog, and all of her friend's blogs. I dutifully checked out each one.

I'm going to make this short: what I saw today--I don't want that. I will do everything in my power to keep myself and those I love away from that movement, those blogs, and those pictures (which will now haunt me into eternity).

I felt better after. I might not have my specifics figured out (I'm still not entirely sure what kind of retirement package I should be building for myself), but I'm narrowing them down.




Now that I've vented everyone must check out Stephen Colbert's guest editing of Newsweek. Especially the last page. And the letters to the editor. It basically made my week perfect. That along with the other aforementioned things.

Frost/Nixon

I'm going to give you a tip for all your future movie-watching experiences: You should always pay attention to the supporting cast. They will tell you more about the movie than you think.



I knew I wanted to see Frost/Nixon. It was a given. Play by Peter Morgan who also wrote "The Queen" (which should immediately make you want to see this movie). And Michael Sheen (also in "The Queen").

Lots of Academy nominations--the good kinds. Best Director, Best Actor, Best Editing, Best adapted Screenplay, Best Picture--the kind that make you take notice.



And then, we started it. When the beginning credits started, my interest in the movie grew even more. Kevin Bacon, Sam Rockwell, Toby Jones, Matthew MacFayden, and Olivier Platt were all supporting actors. If you know anything about movie stars, then you know these movie stars are selective in their acting choices. They're at the point in their careers where they can be. These guys make few movies, but you pay attention to the ones they make. I shared a look with RuthAnn saying "This is going to be good."



And it was.

Roger Ebert says, "Frank Langella and Michael Sheen do not attempt to mimic their characters, but to embody them."



And later Ebert says, "The film really comes down to these two compelling intense performances, these two men with such deep needs entirely outside the subjects of the interviews. All we know about the real Frost and the real Nixon is almost beside the point. It all comes down to those two men in that room while the cameras are rolling."



Let me make this simple for you: Go watch it.

Up or In?

I can't decide whether I'm giving up, or I'm giving in.

Here are the definitions of both words from the ever-helpful dictionary.com

To give in:
1. to acknowledge defeat; yield.

To give up:
1. To abandon hope; despair.
2. To desist from; announce
3. To surrender; relinquish

While on the surface, they almost look the same, I think the difference comes in the acknowledgment of truth.

To give in looks as if you know you're wrong, and you admit it.
To give up looks as if you know you're right, but you realize there's nothing more you can do.

I think I'm doing a little of both. I'm giving in knowing they've made it longer than I would have ever expected. But I'm giving up knowing this isn't right. I can't believe it's right.

This is stupid. I don't really care about the difference in the phrases. Specifying my correct word choice won't make me feel any better.

I'll still hate that I have to do either one.