I am aware that I may hurt some people's feelings in this post. If you are an avid pet lover, I really do suggest that you skip this one and wait for the next episode of "Yes it's true". Please understand that just because I hate pets and you are a pet owner, does not mean I hate you. I just hate the fact that you are a pet owner.
Why I hate pets.
I. They smell.
I know. Humans smell too. I'm not stupid. I've grown up with a houseful of humans. But pet smell is different. Pet smell is worse. Humans are taught to shower every day, and some shower more than once a day. Pets do not. Pets do not of their own free will shower every day. Pets do not of their own free will clean themselves every day. (And before you try to tell me that licking themselves is their form of self-cleaning, let me ask you a simple question. If a human told you that they were clean because they licked themselves in the morning how on earth would you feel? Would you feel that that person was clean? Of course not you say, but we don't treat pets the same way as humans. Hold on to that thought, we'll be coming back to it) Also, apparently, getting a pet clean is not an easy task. (I of course would not know, seeing as I do not own a pet) Pets carry with them an incredibly unique smell. I've grown up traveling, and I can tell you that without the host even saying a word. I have entered numerous houses and known immediately that their was a pet on the premises. (note: I said premises I did not say inside - this ruins your inside/outside dog thing) I think we all can agree that pets are not clean. (Clean by human standards, and yes we're coming back to that). Also, have you ever smelled a wet dog. If you haven't, I'll let you in on a secret. There aren't "wet dog" air fresheners and laundry detergents for a reason. (I am not trying to make dog lovers angry, I am trying to make pet lovers angry. I believe that all pets smell. I don't want anyone to feel left out. This includes cats, fish, birds, hamsters, rats and whatever else you can throw in under the heading of pets.)
Not only do pets smell, their accoutrement's also smell. Every time I walk past the pet aisle at work, I try not to breathe. And pets aren't even allowed in the store. It's because there is pet food there, and cat litter, and rawhide bacon bones. Pet food is disgusting. I'm not going to say anything more about that, because what can be said? Cat litter is disgusting. Do other people actually enjoy the smell of cat litter? I find it repulsive. Isn't cat litter supposed to cover up other unpleasant smells? How in the world can it do that when it smells awful all on it's own? What kind of people did they test that said that cat litter was a good, pleasant smell? (people whose noses had been ruined by living with pets for years, probably) Rawhide bacon bones are disgusting. All those weird treats, that are supposed to make your pet feel better about themselves, look and smell horrible. What kind of strange culture are we, that eating other humans is wrong, But a dog eating other animals is perfectly acceptable? (guilty thought: I've always wanted to see the humane society and cruelty against animals fight on that one)(I know dogs different than humans, but we haven't come back to it yet) Plus, those bones are chewed on, and left to lie around the house. I've seen humans pick up one of those bones (after being chewed) and throw it for the dog, and then go back to preparing food, or worse, then come to shake my hand. (You think I'm joking) I always imagine some saliva falling off that bone and landing somewhere where I am expected to sit later on. I don't like those random dog treats that smell disgusting.
II. They are expensive
I work in a store. I price things. And I am still shocked daily by how much people spend for their pet. I had a lady tell me that she had just spend $80 at another store on pet stuff alone, and now she was spending another $130 on pet stuff alone, because she felt sorry for her dog who had just had a $700 dollar surgery. She's crazy. That is a lot of money. Stop for a second and think about what you could do with $910 dollars. Does anything come to mind? I'm going to say a word, and I want you to visualize how much $910 dollars would buy of this item. Books, food, movies, clothes, gas, books, bookshelves. And this lady spent it on a pet. On a pet. It makes one want to cry.
III. They are pets why?
I would love for someone to research why in the world we have pets? What "genius" ancient ruler decided "hey, you know that short-wolf-with-pretty-big-teeth-but-not-as-big-as-a-lion-kind-of-looking thing, yeah I think I'm going to stick that in my house, for my kids to play with, you know. It will make them feel safe", and the other one who said, "that thing with all the fur and annoying meowing sound. I bet that would be just what the missus would want around the house."
Who decided that dogs and cats would be the accepted, chosen few. Why don't we have ostriches as pets. And don't tell it's because dogs and cats can't do without human help, they did at one point in time, and I'm pretty certain that they could return. And why is it that America has bought into pets more than any other country?
If anyone has any insight into this matter, please let me know.
IV. They leave a mess
This is different than smell, because this time it's a mess. Have you ever sat down in someone's house only to stand up and realize you are in desperate need of a lint roller? I hate that. We freak out if we find human hair in our food, but excuse pet hair on our couches, our beds, our floors, our food, our clothes, our car seats, and ourselves. A coworker came in the other day, and she began to discuss pets with another worker in the break room. They started saying how irritating it was to have to lint roll their clothes every time they came to work (our shirts are a dark blue) the one lady said that she would just stop lint rolling completely. She decided that the rest of the world should just accept her pets hair. (and there was a lot of it, trust me) So she stopped, less than a week later, this lady, a cashier, had 10-15 complaints turned in about the cleanliness of her appearance. She had to start lint rolling again. Pet hair is disgusting to have around. One way to get rid of disgusting pet hair, would be to get rid of your pet.
V. They make you feel safe?/ They are comforting for a single person to have around/ They are nice to talk to/ They understand me/ They talk back to me.
I'm answering these in order. (1) Are you serious? Buy a security system (it will probably cost you less than a pet anyways). Lock your doors. Put the Police on speed dial.(2) Read a book. That's always comforting. Buy books with your newfound money. Watch a movie. Get some friends. (3) Talk to your fridge, you can't possibly look any stupider.(hint; if you're talking to your pet because you don't have anybody else to talk to, no one is going to know if you talk to yourself.) Or, you could start talking to humans. (4) Nobody understands you. (5) Get therapy. And people think that snake murmuring and horse whispering is crazy.
VI. They're just like a little kid
Every time I fight for a world without pets, the person I am arguing with always, always, always says something to the effect of "well you were helpless too, when you were a kid. Nobody understood what you were saying. You cried and no one knew why you were crying. And you weren't potty trained. Your parents took you in. And look how you turned out." I always want to say, "Stop. That is not in any way a convincing argument. You have just now proven yourself to be an idiot.", But I usually say, (not in any particular order) "You are absolutely right. But I grew up. I started taking showers all on my own. I started preparing and paying for my own food. I started expanding my knowledge. I started paying bills. I started talking. I started cleaning up after myself. I stopped using crying to make myself understood (dogs no matter how old they get, they never stop barking). I started clothing myself. And the best parent in the world, after a while, will let it's child go off and be independent. I think it's time for you to let your pet go off and be independent. No seriously, I want to watch a pet go do that."
Bring back the argument of how the standards should be different for dogs and humans. If you subscribe to the argument that a pet should not be expected to be clean,(by human standard) because it is a pet, or a pet should not be expected to clean up after itself because it is a pet. Then I would suggest that you never use the above argument because what does that say about how you treat your children? And yet, time and time again people do. If you want me to believe that we shouldn't hold pets to the same standards as humans, then don't ask me to get a pet because I was once like it too.
Conclusion:
I hate pets. I know I didn't grow up with one, and that is certainly why I'm so screwed up this way, but I really don't think that I will ever love pets. They cost so much money, they are always around (has anyone ever heard of a little peace and quiet?), they're loud, they're dirty and you can't keep them clean, they're messy, they will never talk, and nobody knows why we even have them in the first place. Also comments like this are reason enough never to get a pet. All of them are true, and from pet owners.
"I have to go home to work, and walk the dog. Sometimes, when I get home, all I want to do is relax, and I have to go walk the stupid dog. Over and over."
"I just got fined money for dog doo-doo. I wasn't picking it up, but the police was right there. He was really angry. Crazy dog. I'm like 'why do I have to pick that up' and the police was like 'cause it's your dog'. And I was like 'so'.
"The dog is gone for a couple of days, I really miss him, but it's nice not having to try to get him to stop licking your face every half hour every night."
"I was up all night, the dog is afraid of thunderstorms, and she just would not be quiet."
"The cat is finally gone. It's finally just my wife and I in our bed. I'm not spending half the night waking up to it's claws in my back, because I bumped into it."
"My cat is doing the strangest thing, and I have no idea why. It just randomly attacks the neighbor boy, and now we have to pay for stitches."
"We're repainting our house, but our dog freaks out at the paint smell, so someone has to sit with him in a separate room the whole entire time painting is happening."
"Our cat hates our new son-in-law we have to tie the poor kitty up every time he comes over, he jumped on our son-in-law last time, and my son-in-law had scratches for 3 weeks."
"I can't leave the dog alone. It's training is not going well, so every time I come home the house is just torn apart, and I have to clean up messes everywhere."
Are pest really necessary? (I wasn't going to let that typo go, but it fits so wonderfully, if it makes you feel any better the correct sentence is "Are pets really necessary?)
Here's hoping that some day we'll find dogs and cats in the zoo.
