Corporate and I

--This is day 5 in "The 7 Last Days of Summer"--

I think a first, part-time high-school job is important for teenagers.

You learn skills you'll (hopefully) never use again. You become knowledgeable about things no one should ever be knowledgeable about. You deal with strange people daily. You learn how to juggle work-schedule/school/free time. You learn how to deal with co-workers. You learn how to deal with managers. And most importantly--you learn what Corporate is.

If you don't already know what Corporate is, let me fill you in:

Corporate is omnipotent.
Corporate is perfect.
Corporate hierarchy is flawless.
Corporate is a thing of beauty.

I remember being confused by Corporate (and yes, I am going to continue capitalizing its name) when I first started my job.

I read their memos, and found them amusing (so they're not exact quotes--this is, however, what they all sound like):

"The trends of the 08-09 Summer Season Clearance show the shifting of the economic structure. The general office team has decided to provide each store with the strategical connections to empower each member to fulfill the initiatives fully."

"While the imperatives issued in the last store-policy email have been implemented and been observed, the issue now turns to the operation head. If the head, while involving store and district policy, would see an area of yellow or red, the store manager would be the one to pass on the new policy to their teammates, on a personal and one-on-one basis."

"We are excited to roll out a new program that benefits the lives of our customers, shoppers, employees, and the general public. We will no longer be offering the special savings discount on the items (see the 4 attached sheets) for the well-being of our customer. We are sure this new program will revitalize shopper continuity, well-being satisfaction, and return-ability. Be eager in representing this program to the community."

I was amused by the memo's because they were poorly written, and because their exciting news was usually bad for everyone involved.

I quickly discovered other employees did not share my amusement. Sure they thought Corporate asked them to do stupid things, but they also thought that somehow, someway, somewhere Corporate still knew best.

I couldn't understand why they thought people sitting in an office from 9-5 knew more about their jobs than themselves-the ones actually completing the work.

But, ladies and gentleman, I discovered the secret to Corporate. The way Corporations exist is to hire hard workers, but not (necessarily) smart workers. Then, the Corporation throws around big words, numbers, graphs, stock photos, and titles (I think only the Government throws around more titles) all of which have one specific purpose. Simply put it says, "I am better and smarter than you."

It's childish how badly Corporate is scared of anything than what they're comfortable with. It's pathetic the steps Corporate takes to ensure themselves from ever being wrong (even when they are). It's amazing how many people fall for it every day.

"Sure", the lower-levels say, "Corporate is stupid, and doesn't understand my job. It tells me stuff I don't need to know, and doesn't tell me what I do need. But they're higher up than I am--they must know something I don't know."

They don't. Trust me, they seriously don't.