Author Note: I wrote this Saturday night, but I didn't have internet, so was unable to post. Here it is the way I wrote it on Sat. night.
March 15, 2008
The Problem:
I bought a blank notebook today. I bought many other books also, but a blank notebook was among my possessions. The notebook is gray and it has the word “create” on the front, and then you open to a completely blank page.
The Con:
I hate blank notebooks, and yet I buy them. Blank notebooks give you a feeling of absolute uselessness. I don’t know what to do with them. Are you supposed to fill it, or leave it half-empty? Are you supposed to write in it? Are you supposed to draw in it? Should I be writing poetry? What would my poetry look like? (I’m as interested as you). However, with this particular notebook I have greater problems than finding what to do with it. The book says what I am supposed to do with it, I am now expected to “create”. It says “create” right on the front. And now I feel the need to “create”. What does that even mean? What am I supposed to create? What am I supposed to do? I don’t understand. Is this notebook supposed to inspire my artistic feelings? Is this notebook supposed to give me a place to express my feelings? Is this notebook supposed to be the window to my soul? What in the world am I supposed to “create”, and why in the world did I buy this blank notebook?
The Pro:
I love blank notebooks, and so I buy them. Blank notebooks make me happy. I am on a regular basis drawn to blank notebooks, and I have no idea why. I think it has something to do with looking at all those empty pages, knowing that you can put down anything you want, knowing that it would be completely personal and that no one could take that blank notebook away. Maybe I love blank notebooks, because really great people had blank notebooks. Maybe I love blank notebooks because diaries fascinate me, and diaries always seem to be written, in what was at one time, a blank notebook. Maybe I like blank notebooks, because when I look back at them I see what I put there. What I filled those blank notebooks with. I love re-reading written conversations. I love looking at what I scribbled out and trying to figure out what the scribbled out words are. I love blank notebooks, and of course I bought this blank notebook.
The Solution:
I will lay this blank notebook aside, and let it sit in my room. A few weeks from now, I’ll need a blank piece of paper and I’ll pull it from the blank notebook. The notebook looses some of its perfection. A few weeks from now I’ll move it to another place, and its end will get bent. The notebook looses some more of its perfection. This process will continue until I decide to do something with this notebook, and I will. I don’t know what it will be yet, and I doubt that I’ll know what it will be until its happening. I think I love blank notebooks, because they give you a feeling of true freedom. The powerful feeling that you can do whatever you want to do to that page. Whatever you put down in that blank notebook is now inescapably and irretrievably yours. It’s a freedom of a sort, and after all, isn’t true freedom what every human wants? And isn’t the ability to express that freedom all we as humans should ever need? (don’t answer that Americans)
I think I hate blank notebooks because they are irretrievably yours. You can’t get away from what you put down. Yes, you can scribble, burn and destroy the papers, but you never destroy the ideas that were put into shape and substance (no dystopian novel references please). I know that feelings and thoughts can float around in your mind, but they only become cemented once you put them down in hard copy form. Phrases and words can be moving around, but they make much more sense when you see them lying in front of you. I don’t know what I’ll put in my notebook yet. I might draw, (although all my pictures are horrible) I might write short stories, (fascinating form of literature), I might write poetry, (I’m reading all of Shakespeare’s sonnets right now, they are incredible), I might draw lots and lots of doodles (nothing suitable to stick in parentheses here), all of these fascinating possibilities lie before my blank notebook and me. And I have no idea which one I’ll choose.
Sunday, March 16, 2008
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Are you ready to hear the single greatest quote ever?
Prepare yourself.
Are you ready?
Ready or not, here it comes.
"I object to being tactfully managed by someone who ought to be my equal"
Give it time to sink in.
And stand in awe.
Peter Whimsy ROCKS!
This may seem like a great quote to me only because I am on choir tour.
You see I live most of my days in a bus. A bus filled with boys and girls. A bus filled with college age boys and girls. A bus filled with girls who are "tactfully managing" every boy they come in contact with. (I'm sorry, let me rephrase that, "every cute boy they come in contact with)
Call me cynical, call me rude, call me angry, call me wrong. But I will know that I'm right. Let me lay before you 2 of my favorite instances:
1. Girl sitting in front of me with another girl. Gets a phone call talks on the phone for 10-15 minutes. I was sitting right behind her. I heard the entire conversation, she hangs up the phone and looks across the aisle, where "cute" boy has been standing, waits until boy gets back (about 3 minutes later) and then promptly bursts into tears. Boy is concerned, girl explains she "just" got off the phone, and explains situation, boy comforts, and sits next to girl for the next 2 hours "to cheer her up" (it only took 10 minutes before she was laughing hilariously at boy)
It's a miracle how "strong woman" can recover.
Does that bother you at all? It drives me nuts. This girl is manipulating this boy to feel sorry for her, and doing it badly. And yet he falls for it.
2. Girl 1 has forgotten a possession at previous location, this is apparently very hard. (note: left possession did not contain much of importance)Girl 2 is ready to sit down and eat. Girl 1 tells Girl 2 that she is leaving to go look for lost possession and will come back in about 20 minutes. Girl 1 leaves. 2-3 minutes pass. Boy comes in to get ready to eat. Gets in line. Boy surveys the room, and falls across girl 2. Girl 2 waits until she knows boy is watching and then says loudly, "What happened to Girl 1?" (loud enough for boy to hear) Boy perks up and looks around, no Girl 1 to be seen. Girl 2 says, "I'll be right back." Girl 2 leaves and returns with Girl 1 who is crying. They both sit at table with boy, who promptly comforts Girls 1 and 2.
Boy then tells people in general to be nice to Girls 1 and 2, because they're going through "hard times"
Girl 2 knew where Girl 1 went, you idiot.
These are only 2 instances, but trust me, there are more. So much more. Do you understand now why I love that quote?
I love being a women, it's true. But today I am angry at my sex. Very, very angry. We (women) yell for equality, we beg for it, we expect it as our right, we hate those who don't give it to us, we believe that lack of equality is what is keeping us from a Utopian society. And yet, we don't treat men as our equals. We make jokes about women being better than men, and then grow angry at men for telling chauvinist jokes.
We as women are negating our own equality by not treating men as equals. If we want to be equal, why, why, why, why, why can't we actually treat men as equals? If we want to be equal, why, why, why, why, why, do we play with men by using our emotions, and more importantly, the man's emotions. But now we come to the final question: Who loses out more in these situations? Is it the pathetic girls? Those perpetrators of fake emotions? Those humans who really have no human consideration whatsoever? Is it the boys? Who never know that they're being played? Who think they understand "women" because they notice when a girl is crying? No it is neither of those, you knew who loses out the most before you started reading this post. The people who lose out the most are of course the real women. Real women with real emotions. Real women who really want equality, in every way, shape and form. Real women who are looking for real men. We are the ones that lose every single time. We are the ones who are waiting to find a man who can say,
"I object to being tactfully managed by someone who ought to by my equal."
Blast Harriet Vane
Are you ready?
Ready or not, here it comes.
"I object to being tactfully managed by someone who ought to be my equal"
Give it time to sink in.
And stand in awe.
Peter Whimsy ROCKS!
This may seem like a great quote to me only because I am on choir tour.
You see I live most of my days in a bus. A bus filled with boys and girls. A bus filled with college age boys and girls. A bus filled with girls who are "tactfully managing" every boy they come in contact with. (I'm sorry, let me rephrase that, "every cute boy they come in contact with)
Call me cynical, call me rude, call me angry, call me wrong. But I will know that I'm right. Let me lay before you 2 of my favorite instances:
1. Girl sitting in front of me with another girl. Gets a phone call talks on the phone for 10-15 minutes. I was sitting right behind her. I heard the entire conversation, she hangs up the phone and looks across the aisle, where "cute" boy has been standing, waits until boy gets back (about 3 minutes later) and then promptly bursts into tears. Boy is concerned, girl explains she "just" got off the phone, and explains situation, boy comforts, and sits next to girl for the next 2 hours "to cheer her up" (it only took 10 minutes before she was laughing hilariously at boy)
It's a miracle how "strong woman" can recover.
Does that bother you at all? It drives me nuts. This girl is manipulating this boy to feel sorry for her, and doing it badly. And yet he falls for it.
2. Girl 1 has forgotten a possession at previous location, this is apparently very hard. (note: left possession did not contain much of importance)Girl 2 is ready to sit down and eat. Girl 1 tells Girl 2 that she is leaving to go look for lost possession and will come back in about 20 minutes. Girl 1 leaves. 2-3 minutes pass. Boy comes in to get ready to eat. Gets in line. Boy surveys the room, and falls across girl 2. Girl 2 waits until she knows boy is watching and then says loudly, "What happened to Girl 1?" (loud enough for boy to hear) Boy perks up and looks around, no Girl 1 to be seen. Girl 2 says, "I'll be right back." Girl 2 leaves and returns with Girl 1 who is crying. They both sit at table with boy, who promptly comforts Girls 1 and 2.
Boy then tells people in general to be nice to Girls 1 and 2, because they're going through "hard times"
Girl 2 knew where Girl 1 went, you idiot.
These are only 2 instances, but trust me, there are more. So much more. Do you understand now why I love that quote?
I love being a women, it's true. But today I am angry at my sex. Very, very angry. We (women) yell for equality, we beg for it, we expect it as our right, we hate those who don't give it to us, we believe that lack of equality is what is keeping us from a Utopian society. And yet, we don't treat men as our equals. We make jokes about women being better than men, and then grow angry at men for telling chauvinist jokes.
We as women are negating our own equality by not treating men as equals. If we want to be equal, why, why, why, why, why can't we actually treat men as equals? If we want to be equal, why, why, why, why, why, do we play with men by using our emotions, and more importantly, the man's emotions. But now we come to the final question: Who loses out more in these situations? Is it the pathetic girls? Those perpetrators of fake emotions? Those humans who really have no human consideration whatsoever? Is it the boys? Who never know that they're being played? Who think they understand "women" because they notice when a girl is crying? No it is neither of those, you knew who loses out the most before you started reading this post. The people who lose out the most are of course the real women. Real women with real emotions. Real women who really want equality, in every way, shape and form. Real women who are looking for real men. We are the ones that lose every single time. We are the ones who are waiting to find a man who can say,
"I object to being tactfully managed by someone who ought to by my equal."
Blast Harriet Vane
Sunday, February 10, 2008
Hate vs. Despise
I don't find hate to be a very strong word. When I say I hate something you need to be paying attention to the tone of my voice to find out if I actually hate it or not. I have also found that hate and love are often to close together to tell the difference.
A word that I do not use often is despise. I rarely use despise. If I say I despise something it means so much more to me than hate. If I say I despise something it means that everything about it repulses every part of me. If I say I despise something it means that the thing I despise and I are completely antithetical.
I despise chauvinism.
The end
Joanna
A word that I do not use often is despise. I rarely use despise. If I say I despise something it means so much more to me than hate. If I say I despise something it means that everything about it repulses every part of me. If I say I despise something it means that the thing I despise and I are completely antithetical.
I despise chauvinism.
The end
Joanna
Saturday, February 9, 2008
Saturday afternoons, and stumbling
I hate alliteration. I find it disgusting, irritating, and completely useless. I'm saying all of this to explain the title of this post. Saturday afternoons, and stumbling is what I'm posting about; please don't think that I took the time to think up that title just so I could have an alliterated title.
Now that we've gotten that out of the way, you need a little background for my final paragraph. (This would all be so much easier if we went into this conversation with you knowing all of these things, but here is your explanation).
Saturday afternooons
I have a love-hate relationship with Saturday afternoons. I'm never really sure how I feel about them. Some of my worst memories are of Saturday afternoons. Did you know that 99% of weddings occur on Sat. afternoons? Did you know that parents feel the need to have you clean half the house every Sat afternoon? Did you know that every single recital in the world for all music camps take place on Sat. afternoon? Did you know that the worst youth group activities take place on Sat. afternoon? Did you know that Saturday is just the day before Sunday which means my end of the week? There is another reason I think that I have bad Saturday afternoon memories, but we'll leave that out of this post. Now for the good Saturday afternoons: College football takes place on Sat. afternoon, and college football is a very good thing. Saturday afternoon naps are some of the best I've ever had. Movies are great on Saturday afternoons. I think that's all I have for good Sat. afternoons.
Stumbling
I love stumbling. Stumbling is the single greatest thing to happen to the internet since google, and wikipedia. Stumbling is incredible. I can spend hours hitting that button over and over and over. You hit the button and it brings up the most wonderful things. I have 100's of organized bookmarks in my favorites all of which come from stumbling. I say all of this to say, stumbling is awesome.
Final Paragraph
I had the greatest Saturday afternoon today. Really it was the greatest one I've had in a long, long time. I stumbled, ate food and watched movies all at once. I took a nap during one of my favorite movies and still was awake for the best part. I loved this particular Saturday afternoon. It's days like this that make me want to go back and rewrite all of my old memories so that this is what I would always think of when I think of Saturday mornings. But I can't do that, all I can do is enjoy this particular Saturday afternoon.
Joanna
208 days until the NFL kickoff
The Paragraph after the Final Paragraph
There is nothing more attractive to me than good acting. I have found that in the past couple of years, it's not the actors physical appearance that attracts me it's the acting, it's always the acting. And I just watched, in my opinion, one of the greatest movies of all time. I had only seen it once before, and it was SO much better this time. The acting was so incredible. I wanted to cry. The script was so well-written. I wanted to yell. The cinematography was so good. I wanted to talk about this movie, with an intelligent person for an hour, and then watch it all over again. I've discussed that I love being drawn into a story, and this story is one that does it for me every time. I find the story fascinatingly interesting. By the way, if I ever use the words fascinating, and interesting to describe you than you would know that I like you, because I think those are two of the greatest words in the English language.
And I'm so glad I got to enjoy this fascinatingly, interesting story on this wonderful Saturday afternoon.
Now that we've gotten that out of the way, you need a little background for my final paragraph. (This would all be so much easier if we went into this conversation with you knowing all of these things, but here is your explanation).
Saturday afternooons
I have a love-hate relationship with Saturday afternoons. I'm never really sure how I feel about them. Some of my worst memories are of Saturday afternoons. Did you know that 99% of weddings occur on Sat. afternoons? Did you know that parents feel the need to have you clean half the house every Sat afternoon? Did you know that every single recital in the world for all music camps take place on Sat. afternoon? Did you know that the worst youth group activities take place on Sat. afternoon? Did you know that Saturday is just the day before Sunday which means my end of the week? There is another reason I think that I have bad Saturday afternoon memories, but we'll leave that out of this post. Now for the good Saturday afternoons: College football takes place on Sat. afternoon, and college football is a very good thing. Saturday afternoon naps are some of the best I've ever had. Movies are great on Saturday afternoons. I think that's all I have for good Sat. afternoons.
Stumbling
I love stumbling. Stumbling is the single greatest thing to happen to the internet since google, and wikipedia. Stumbling is incredible. I can spend hours hitting that button over and over and over. You hit the button and it brings up the most wonderful things. I have 100's of organized bookmarks in my favorites all of which come from stumbling. I say all of this to say, stumbling is awesome.
Final Paragraph
I had the greatest Saturday afternoon today. Really it was the greatest one I've had in a long, long time. I stumbled, ate food and watched movies all at once. I took a nap during one of my favorite movies and still was awake for the best part. I loved this particular Saturday afternoon. It's days like this that make me want to go back and rewrite all of my old memories so that this is what I would always think of when I think of Saturday mornings. But I can't do that, all I can do is enjoy this particular Saturday afternoon.
Joanna
208 days until the NFL kickoff
The Paragraph after the Final Paragraph
There is nothing more attractive to me than good acting. I have found that in the past couple of years, it's not the actors physical appearance that attracts me it's the acting, it's always the acting. And I just watched, in my opinion, one of the greatest movies of all time. I had only seen it once before, and it was SO much better this time. The acting was so incredible. I wanted to cry. The script was so well-written. I wanted to yell. The cinematography was so good. I wanted to talk about this movie, with an intelligent person for an hour, and then watch it all over again. I've discussed that I love being drawn into a story, and this story is one that does it for me every time. I find the story fascinatingly interesting. By the way, if I ever use the words fascinating, and interesting to describe you than you would know that I like you, because I think those are two of the greatest words in the English language.
And I'm so glad I got to enjoy this fascinatingly, interesting story on this wonderful Saturday afternoon.
Sunday, February 3, 2008
My life is over.
It is. I can see no reason to live. There is no point anymore. We lost the super bowl.
Great sadness, sorrow, pain, and huge amounts of anger fill my soul. I'm done. I'm empty. I am completely devoid of all feelings and emotions. I hate myself for caring so much, but it would be impossible for me to care less. I have nothing more to say.
Except one more thing,
214 more days until the NFL Kickoff.
Long live the wonderful New England Patriots, I love every single one of you. Till next season.
Joanna
Great sadness, sorrow, pain, and huge amounts of anger fill my soul. I'm done. I'm empty. I am completely devoid of all feelings and emotions. I hate myself for caring so much, but it would be impossible for me to care less. I have nothing more to say.
Except one more thing,
214 more days until the NFL Kickoff.
Long live the wonderful New England Patriots, I love every single one of you. Till next season.
Joanna
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Are you impressed?
I certainly am. It's been only 3 days since my last post. Shocking.
Well in important news, The Patriots won!!!!!!!
(I am told that exclamation points show joy. That is how I mean them in the above sentence. I am not one for exclamation points, I find them annoying and useless, but in this case I needed to show joy, and a smiley face was out of the question)
Brady played horribly, he had 3 picks (impressive for Brady) and Randy Moss was once again a total non-factor. I really think we need him if we're going to win the super bowl. The only good thing that happened was our defense really stepped up to the plate. The chargers were in the red zone 3 or 4 times on long drives, and our D held them to a field goal every time. A miracle indeed. The Giants on the other hand played well in freezing lambeau, beating the Packers in OT. Everyone at work was sufficiently grumpy mon. morning, but that is a story for another time. It would be a lie to say that I'm not worried about the super bowl. The Giants and the Colts were probably our two hardest games all season. The Giants were a little angry that they couldn't stop our undefeated regular season. And now they have a chance to stop our perfect season. I just got done reading 3 articles about how the Patriots will lose to the Giants, needless to say that's what I've been thinking about. I have to wait 2 weeks until I find out. Plus, Brady was photographed walking into his girlfriends house with a boot(medical) on. That's the last thing we need. A hurt quarterback that throws picks. Belichick I need you to come through for me.
Here's to 19-0
Joanna
Heath Ledger died. There's a lot that I could say about that, but I'm still processing. That sounds like I had a crush on him, which I didn't. To understand what I'm feeling you would have to understand how I grew up, and what a movie that he made meant for me and my sister. Every time I think of that movie it brings back old feelings, bittersweet feelings because they were bittersweet times. He stared in one of the few movies that were instant classics for me. And no I'm not going to tell you what it was. I'm wearing almost all black to school tomorrow for mourning purposes.
Here's to Heath
(I would write my favorite line from the movie here, but it would sound really weird by itself. Let's just leave it at "Spaghetti O's")
Well in important news, The Patriots won!!!!!!!
(I am told that exclamation points show joy. That is how I mean them in the above sentence. I am not one for exclamation points, I find them annoying and useless, but in this case I needed to show joy, and a smiley face was out of the question)
Brady played horribly, he had 3 picks (impressive for Brady) and Randy Moss was once again a total non-factor. I really think we need him if we're going to win the super bowl. The only good thing that happened was our defense really stepped up to the plate. The chargers were in the red zone 3 or 4 times on long drives, and our D held them to a field goal every time. A miracle indeed. The Giants on the other hand played well in freezing lambeau, beating the Packers in OT. Everyone at work was sufficiently grumpy mon. morning, but that is a story for another time. It would be a lie to say that I'm not worried about the super bowl. The Giants and the Colts were probably our two hardest games all season. The Giants were a little angry that they couldn't stop our undefeated regular season. And now they have a chance to stop our perfect season. I just got done reading 3 articles about how the Patriots will lose to the Giants, needless to say that's what I've been thinking about. I have to wait 2 weeks until I find out. Plus, Brady was photographed walking into his girlfriends house with a boot(medical) on. That's the last thing we need. A hurt quarterback that throws picks. Belichick I need you to come through for me.
Here's to 19-0
Joanna
Heath Ledger died. There's a lot that I could say about that, but I'm still processing. That sounds like I had a crush on him, which I didn't. To understand what I'm feeling you would have to understand how I grew up, and what a movie that he made meant for me and my sister. Every time I think of that movie it brings back old feelings, bittersweet feelings because they were bittersweet times. He stared in one of the few movies that were instant classics for me. And no I'm not going to tell you what it was. I'm wearing almost all black to school tomorrow for mourning purposes.
Here's to Heath
(I would write my favorite line from the movie here, but it would sound really weird by itself. Let's just leave it at "Spaghetti O's")
Saturday, January 19, 2008
It's been a month and two days. I'm sorry
I have so much to say.
I don't know how else to start this post, other than that I have so much to say. I hope you have a lot of time, because I have so much to say. I don't even know if I have enough time to tell you everything, because I have so much to say. I think that I'm going to divide this post up into sections, so maybe you should read one or two sections at a time, go away, do something useful and come back later to read the other sections. I don't think that there is an underlying theme to all of these sections, but I guess we'll find out as I go along.
I. Christmas in general
Christmas this year was great. I finished school in just enough time before I went crazy. Finals went well and I passed all my classes with nothing lower than a B, a relief indeed. I went home and slept most of Christmas break, but I was able to work about 40 hours a week, so it was a very relaxing Christmas. The whole family was able to be home for Christmas, and that was, as always great. Every year, I start thinking about how many years more we will all be home for Christmas, it doesn't seem like too many more years. I can not imagine a Christmas where I don't look down the dinner table at Christmas Eve dinner and see everyone there. Every year, I count in my mind, going down in age order as if to reassure myself that everyone is there. And then I sit back and say to myself, looking around, "This is my family, these are the people I love most in the world, these are the people that I will probably have the most lasting relationships with. This is my family, and I love them." What will I feel like when Christmas Eve comes around, and I look up from the greatest meal ever made, and I begin to count down and I have to skip a name, a face, a unique personality, a conversation? What will I feel like when Christmas day comes and we are passing out presents and there is one less pile of gifts? I don't want to know how I will feel, I don't want to know what it will be like. I wish that there was never any possibility of us not being together every Christmas, and yet as a realist, I have to consider the possibility no matter how much I don't want to. I say all of this to say I love Christmas, and I love my whole family, because for me they are synonymous. And I can't imagine what it will be like, when I am forced to separate the two.
II. The Phantom of the Opera
Since I first heard this music, and first saw the ghastliness that is the movie, I have wanted to see this on stage. And I did this Christmas, in Chicago, with good singers, with RuthAnn to the right of me and Philip to the left, with Becky and Christine just rows away with Bethany, Matthew,and Naomi just down the row. With proper clothes and highly enjoyable people behind us to listen to. I loved it, I absolutly loved it, it was great. I would love to go see it again. I love being drawn into stories, I think that is why I love movies, books and plays so intensely. I love being entertained. I loved the actors, the music, the stage sets, the whole combined effort to entertain me for a few hours. And I was very entertained. We went to dinner after the show, the food was incredible. You know how I feel about food, mainly my great love for it. But to add to that, let me just say that there is nothing better than after a show, late at night going out for a large meal, with real food. I ate so much and felt so good afterwards that it is a feeling that I remember even now. I love Phantom, and I'm very excited that I got to see it before it closed. I was a wonderful evening. I confess I love dresssing up and going to shows, and I hope that in the future it is something I can do with great regularity.
III. Awkwardness in Relationships
Relationships are awkward. Relationships are hard. I'm finding that more and more. I think that's good, in a way. I expected to have to work at relationships, but family relationships are really hard ones to work on. In my mind, we have a relationship, why do we have to work on it? We will always have a relationship, why do we have to try and make it better? We have a certain way of dealing with each other. Why should we change it? What is so wrong about what we've been doing all these years? I had a fight with a brother over Christmas break. And it was bad. I don't fight with anyone, hardly ever. I argue all the time, but to actually fight happens so rarely that when it does, I have no idea how to act. There we were stuck in the car, with a good 20 minutes left of our ride home. I didn't know what I was expected to say, or how to make it right. I sat there wanting to make this horrible silence go away. But I didn't know how. I wanted to make a joke but I didn't trust myself to speak. I was hurt, genuinely hurt, and as badly as I wanted to make things right, I didn't know how to share that. I was worried I would come off as emotional, irrational and thus render my opinion invalid. I hated that about myself, because here I was hurt and I wasn't allowing myself to express that, all because I was worried that I would come off as something that I actually was. I knew I felt emotional about this but I thought I would lose my standing if I showed this emotion. I was hiding part of myself from a person that I loved so I wouldn't feel inadaquete. How screwed up is that? We made the argument right later on, we worked it out. We apologized, we made up, and I hold no harsh feelings to this brother at all. But we had to do it over the phone, which I hated. We lost the last two days of our family break in awkwardness because of this. No one else was involved and as always we kept it quiet. But there was no time for us all to sit down, and none of us really wanted to make it right then, we all needed a little time. The last two days were forced niceties, and underlying anger. It was awkward, and I hated that. I'm glad it's over, and we've moved on. But family relationships are oftentimes the hardest, but I think that's as it should be.
IV. The worst night of my life
We're moving out of the depressing end of my life, into an incredibly depressing part of my life. But a lot more humorous, for you maybe, certainly not for me.
It was the Phantom weekend, RuthAnn and Naomi and I decided to do some shopping on our way back home. We stopped at Gurnee Mills for a few hours, did a lot of shopping and had a great time. We had agreed to go with N's college group to dinner, a college group that R and I have long disliked. We wondered amongst ourselves, how bad could it be? It would only be for a couple of hours, we would be there for each other, moral support, most of the people we didn't like were gone for Christmas break, N would appreciate it and the food was supposed to be good. So we went. It wasn't bad, It wasn't horrible. It was the single worst experience of my life. (Slight exaggeration). R and I still wonder how we could have gone so wrong, how we ever let the other agree to this? And we have made vows to each other to never let it happen again. Mere words would not even begin to sum up what happened in those few short hours. If we ever talk face-to-face I am more than willing to explain to you what happened that night. But putting it here isn't enough. I need hand gestures, I need vocal emotion, I need contact with you to make you understand.
A quick short list that does not even begin to sum it all up:
1. Yelling "Hey Santa" from a moving car, at the top of your lungs, at a man walking down the street in a red hat has never been and never will be funny.
2. Explaining to us in your junior-high-voice how life for you stops when you receive a text, and how you're really trying to change that in your own life, explaining this to us while you're texting might be just a little ironic.
3. When you're stupid, never, ever tell me what your favorite movies or music is, you do realize how much ammunition that gives me right? You give me Rascal Flattts, and How to lose a guy in 10 days, and you've opened the door wide open for endless ridicule.
4. Don't ever, ever, ever, ever, ever try to sound like you know anything about politics when you just came from a Mike Huckabee rally. And don't ever idealize politics by using Mike Huckabee.
5. Don't tell me that you hate Romney, and then have no reason for it. (I hate Romney too, but at least I have a reason)
6. Trust me we don't want to hear about your political beliefs when you're confused between Congress and the Senate.
7. No, contrary to popular belief (or at least starbucks-cool-college-preppy-group popular belief) making gang symbols in repeated pictures does not make you look gangsta, it also does not make you look in the least attractive.
8. Any person who is still laughing 5 minutes later after the white-girl-trying-to-look-a-gangsta-symbol-pictures are taken is not worth anyone's time.
And the list goes on....and on.... and on.... and on.... The only reason I'm stopping my list making is because I'm dredging up memories that should be repressed.
Seriously if you have the time, ask me about it and I'll tell you all of it in vivid detail.
V. New Experiences
I did something over Christmas break that I had never done before. I did something that I have wanted to do for a while, I've greatly looked forward to it, but I didn't think it would happen for quite some time. But it did. I loved every minute of it, I did it with just the right people, at just the right time, and enjoyed every minute of it. It's sad in a way, because I'll never have that first-time-experience again, but I loved it while it lasted. The very thought is kind of a guilty pleasure to me, I think about it when I am bored with current conversation (that happens a lot), my mind kind of drifts to it, and I smile, because I'm happy that I was able to experience it. I'm happy that I waited long enough to enjoy it. I'm happy that it was everything that I wanted it to be. So what did I do? I would maybe tell you, if I actually knew you, but even then the chances are slim. If I wrote it down though you would laugh and say, "That's what you were so excited about, I do that all the time, I can't even remember the first time I did that, it was so long ago." Well I remember the first time I did it and I'm proud of it.
VI. The New England Patriots
Went 16-0. My heart stopped and started during that fateful game against the giants. I watched every minute unable to take my eyes away. I yelled at Brady, on a regular basis, but screamed at Randy Moss at that huge dropped pass. How sweet was it, that they went and did the exact same play and completed it? I jumped for joy, tears were threatening to spill, and all was right with the world. We won and went 16-0, I wondered if anything could be better? 17-0 was. Tomorrow is the AFC Championship game vs. the Chargers, we beat them 38-14 during the regular season, but this is the playoffs. They have grown drastically as a team since then. I'm worried, I am, winning would be wonderful, can you imagine how much better 18-0 would be? I am not letting myself think about 19-0 because that is to sweet to even imagine. My picks are Patriots vs. Packers in the Super Bowl, which brings me to a dilema. I unfortunately live in Wisconsin, and the place here has gone nuts, at the thought that their packers could win a super bowl, and as much as I respect Favre, for having a comeback season and all that, I would love to see the Patriots pull off a perfect season. But the Chargers come first. Pray for Us.
All things considered, it's amazing you made it through this whole thing. I hope you accomplished a couple of things useful during this rather lengthy post. I watched two movies, and ate dinner, so I hope you've done at least that much. I'm glad you're here. I know I don't post often, but I love that I can. During Christmas break there were many times that I wanted to sit down with you and just write about my experiences. I finally found that time, and I feel better now that some of them are written out. There were more experiences but I don't have enough time. Certain beautiful things are calling to me, that involve a blanket, a pillow, and a bed. Thank you for being here. I appreciate it more than you know. I'll try not to make it a month and 3 days next time.
Joanna
I don't know how else to start this post, other than that I have so much to say. I hope you have a lot of time, because I have so much to say. I don't even know if I have enough time to tell you everything, because I have so much to say. I think that I'm going to divide this post up into sections, so maybe you should read one or two sections at a time, go away, do something useful and come back later to read the other sections. I don't think that there is an underlying theme to all of these sections, but I guess we'll find out as I go along.
I. Christmas in general
Christmas this year was great. I finished school in just enough time before I went crazy. Finals went well and I passed all my classes with nothing lower than a B, a relief indeed. I went home and slept most of Christmas break, but I was able to work about 40 hours a week, so it was a very relaxing Christmas. The whole family was able to be home for Christmas, and that was, as always great. Every year, I start thinking about how many years more we will all be home for Christmas, it doesn't seem like too many more years. I can not imagine a Christmas where I don't look down the dinner table at Christmas Eve dinner and see everyone there. Every year, I count in my mind, going down in age order as if to reassure myself that everyone is there. And then I sit back and say to myself, looking around, "This is my family, these are the people I love most in the world, these are the people that I will probably have the most lasting relationships with. This is my family, and I love them." What will I feel like when Christmas Eve comes around, and I look up from the greatest meal ever made, and I begin to count down and I have to skip a name, a face, a unique personality, a conversation? What will I feel like when Christmas day comes and we are passing out presents and there is one less pile of gifts? I don't want to know how I will feel, I don't want to know what it will be like. I wish that there was never any possibility of us not being together every Christmas, and yet as a realist, I have to consider the possibility no matter how much I don't want to. I say all of this to say I love Christmas, and I love my whole family, because for me they are synonymous. And I can't imagine what it will be like, when I am forced to separate the two.
II. The Phantom of the Opera
Since I first heard this music, and first saw the ghastliness that is the movie, I have wanted to see this on stage. And I did this Christmas, in Chicago, with good singers, with RuthAnn to the right of me and Philip to the left, with Becky and Christine just rows away with Bethany, Matthew,and Naomi just down the row. With proper clothes and highly enjoyable people behind us to listen to. I loved it, I absolutly loved it, it was great. I would love to go see it again. I love being drawn into stories, I think that is why I love movies, books and plays so intensely. I love being entertained. I loved the actors, the music, the stage sets, the whole combined effort to entertain me for a few hours. And I was very entertained. We went to dinner after the show, the food was incredible. You know how I feel about food, mainly my great love for it. But to add to that, let me just say that there is nothing better than after a show, late at night going out for a large meal, with real food. I ate so much and felt so good afterwards that it is a feeling that I remember even now. I love Phantom, and I'm very excited that I got to see it before it closed. I was a wonderful evening. I confess I love dresssing up and going to shows, and I hope that in the future it is something I can do with great regularity.
III. Awkwardness in Relationships
Relationships are awkward. Relationships are hard. I'm finding that more and more. I think that's good, in a way. I expected to have to work at relationships, but family relationships are really hard ones to work on. In my mind, we have a relationship, why do we have to work on it? We will always have a relationship, why do we have to try and make it better? We have a certain way of dealing with each other. Why should we change it? What is so wrong about what we've been doing all these years? I had a fight with a brother over Christmas break. And it was bad. I don't fight with anyone, hardly ever. I argue all the time, but to actually fight happens so rarely that when it does, I have no idea how to act. There we were stuck in the car, with a good 20 minutes left of our ride home. I didn't know what I was expected to say, or how to make it right. I sat there wanting to make this horrible silence go away. But I didn't know how. I wanted to make a joke but I didn't trust myself to speak. I was hurt, genuinely hurt, and as badly as I wanted to make things right, I didn't know how to share that. I was worried I would come off as emotional, irrational and thus render my opinion invalid. I hated that about myself, because here I was hurt and I wasn't allowing myself to express that, all because I was worried that I would come off as something that I actually was. I knew I felt emotional about this but I thought I would lose my standing if I showed this emotion. I was hiding part of myself from a person that I loved so I wouldn't feel inadaquete. How screwed up is that? We made the argument right later on, we worked it out. We apologized, we made up, and I hold no harsh feelings to this brother at all. But we had to do it over the phone, which I hated. We lost the last two days of our family break in awkwardness because of this. No one else was involved and as always we kept it quiet. But there was no time for us all to sit down, and none of us really wanted to make it right then, we all needed a little time. The last two days were forced niceties, and underlying anger. It was awkward, and I hated that. I'm glad it's over, and we've moved on. But family relationships are oftentimes the hardest, but I think that's as it should be.
IV. The worst night of my life
We're moving out of the depressing end of my life, into an incredibly depressing part of my life. But a lot more humorous, for you maybe, certainly not for me.
It was the Phantom weekend, RuthAnn and Naomi and I decided to do some shopping on our way back home. We stopped at Gurnee Mills for a few hours, did a lot of shopping and had a great time. We had agreed to go with N's college group to dinner, a college group that R and I have long disliked. We wondered amongst ourselves, how bad could it be? It would only be for a couple of hours, we would be there for each other, moral support, most of the people we didn't like were gone for Christmas break, N would appreciate it and the food was supposed to be good. So we went. It wasn't bad, It wasn't horrible. It was the single worst experience of my life. (Slight exaggeration). R and I still wonder how we could have gone so wrong, how we ever let the other agree to this? And we have made vows to each other to never let it happen again. Mere words would not even begin to sum up what happened in those few short hours. If we ever talk face-to-face I am more than willing to explain to you what happened that night. But putting it here isn't enough. I need hand gestures, I need vocal emotion, I need contact with you to make you understand.
A quick short list that does not even begin to sum it all up:
1. Yelling "Hey Santa" from a moving car, at the top of your lungs, at a man walking down the street in a red hat has never been and never will be funny.
2. Explaining to us in your junior-high-voice how life for you stops when you receive a text, and how you're really trying to change that in your own life, explaining this to us while you're texting might be just a little ironic.
3. When you're stupid, never, ever tell me what your favorite movies or music is, you do realize how much ammunition that gives me right? You give me Rascal Flattts, and How to lose a guy in 10 days, and you've opened the door wide open for endless ridicule.
4. Don't ever, ever, ever, ever, ever try to sound like you know anything about politics when you just came from a Mike Huckabee rally. And don't ever idealize politics by using Mike Huckabee.
5. Don't tell me that you hate Romney, and then have no reason for it. (I hate Romney too, but at least I have a reason)
6. Trust me we don't want to hear about your political beliefs when you're confused between Congress and the Senate.
7. No, contrary to popular belief (or at least starbucks-cool-college-preppy-group popular belief) making gang symbols in repeated pictures does not make you look gangsta, it also does not make you look in the least attractive.
8. Any person who is still laughing 5 minutes later after the white-girl-trying-to-look-a-gangsta-symbol-pictures are taken is not worth anyone's time.
And the list goes on....and on.... and on.... and on.... The only reason I'm stopping my list making is because I'm dredging up memories that should be repressed.
Seriously if you have the time, ask me about it and I'll tell you all of it in vivid detail.
V. New Experiences
I did something over Christmas break that I had never done before. I did something that I have wanted to do for a while, I've greatly looked forward to it, but I didn't think it would happen for quite some time. But it did. I loved every minute of it, I did it with just the right people, at just the right time, and enjoyed every minute of it. It's sad in a way, because I'll never have that first-time-experience again, but I loved it while it lasted. The very thought is kind of a guilty pleasure to me, I think about it when I am bored with current conversation (that happens a lot), my mind kind of drifts to it, and I smile, because I'm happy that I was able to experience it. I'm happy that I waited long enough to enjoy it. I'm happy that it was everything that I wanted it to be. So what did I do? I would maybe tell you, if I actually knew you, but even then the chances are slim. If I wrote it down though you would laugh and say, "That's what you were so excited about, I do that all the time, I can't even remember the first time I did that, it was so long ago." Well I remember the first time I did it and I'm proud of it.
VI. The New England Patriots
Went 16-0. My heart stopped and started during that fateful game against the giants. I watched every minute unable to take my eyes away. I yelled at Brady, on a regular basis, but screamed at Randy Moss at that huge dropped pass. How sweet was it, that they went and did the exact same play and completed it? I jumped for joy, tears were threatening to spill, and all was right with the world. We won and went 16-0, I wondered if anything could be better? 17-0 was. Tomorrow is the AFC Championship game vs. the Chargers, we beat them 38-14 during the regular season, but this is the playoffs. They have grown drastically as a team since then. I'm worried, I am, winning would be wonderful, can you imagine how much better 18-0 would be? I am not letting myself think about 19-0 because that is to sweet to even imagine. My picks are Patriots vs. Packers in the Super Bowl, which brings me to a dilema. I unfortunately live in Wisconsin, and the place here has gone nuts, at the thought that their packers could win a super bowl, and as much as I respect Favre, for having a comeback season and all that, I would love to see the Patriots pull off a perfect season. But the Chargers come first. Pray for Us.
All things considered, it's amazing you made it through this whole thing. I hope you accomplished a couple of things useful during this rather lengthy post. I watched two movies, and ate dinner, so I hope you've done at least that much. I'm glad you're here. I know I don't post often, but I love that I can. During Christmas break there were many times that I wanted to sit down with you and just write about my experiences. I finally found that time, and I feel better now that some of them are written out. There were more experiences but I don't have enough time. Certain beautiful things are calling to me, that involve a blanket, a pillow, and a bed. Thank you for being here. I appreciate it more than you know. I'll try not to make it a month and 3 days next time.
Joanna
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