It's been a month and two days. I'm sorry

I have so much to say.

I don't know how else to start this post, other than that I have so much to say. I hope you have a lot of time, because I have so much to say. I don't even know if I have enough time to tell you everything, because I have so much to say. I think that I'm going to divide this post up into sections, so maybe you should read one or two sections at a time, go away, do something useful and come back later to read the other sections. I don't think that there is an underlying theme to all of these sections, but I guess we'll find out as I go along.

I. Christmas in general
Christmas this year was great. I finished school in just enough time before I went crazy. Finals went well and I passed all my classes with nothing lower than a B, a relief indeed. I went home and slept most of Christmas break, but I was able to work about 40 hours a week, so it was a very relaxing Christmas. The whole family was able to be home for Christmas, and that was, as always great. Every year, I start thinking about how many years more we will all be home for Christmas, it doesn't seem like too many more years. I can not imagine a Christmas where I don't look down the dinner table at Christmas Eve dinner and see everyone there. Every year, I count in my mind, going down in age order as if to reassure myself that everyone is there. And then I sit back and say to myself, looking around, "This is my family, these are the people I love most in the world, these are the people that I will probably have the most lasting relationships with. This is my family, and I love them." What will I feel like when Christmas Eve comes around, and I look up from the greatest meal ever made, and I begin to count down and I have to skip a name, a face, a unique personality, a conversation? What will I feel like when Christmas day comes and we are passing out presents and there is one less pile of gifts? I don't want to know how I will feel, I don't want to know what it will be like. I wish that there was never any possibility of us not being together every Christmas, and yet as a realist, I have to consider the possibility no matter how much I don't want to. I say all of this to say I love Christmas, and I love my whole family, because for me they are synonymous. And I can't imagine what it will be like, when I am forced to separate the two.

II. The Phantom of the Opera
Since I first heard this music, and first saw the ghastliness that is the movie, I have wanted to see this on stage. And I did this Christmas, in Chicago, with good singers, with RuthAnn to the right of me and Philip to the left, with Becky and Christine just rows away with Bethany, Matthew,and Naomi just down the row. With proper clothes and highly enjoyable people behind us to listen to. I loved it, I absolutly loved it, it was great. I would love to go see it again. I love being drawn into stories, I think that is why I love movies, books and plays so intensely. I love being entertained. I loved the actors, the music, the stage sets, the whole combined effort to entertain me for a few hours. And I was very entertained. We went to dinner after the show, the food was incredible. You know how I feel about food, mainly my great love for it. But to add to that, let me just say that there is nothing better than after a show, late at night going out for a large meal, with real food. I ate so much and felt so good afterwards that it is a feeling that I remember even now. I love Phantom, and I'm very excited that I got to see it before it closed. I was a wonderful evening. I confess I love dresssing up and going to shows, and I hope that in the future it is something I can do with great regularity.

III. Awkwardness in Relationships
Relationships are awkward. Relationships are hard. I'm finding that more and more. I think that's good, in a way. I expected to have to work at relationships, but family relationships are really hard ones to work on. In my mind, we have a relationship, why do we have to work on it? We will always have a relationship, why do we have to try and make it better? We have a certain way of dealing with each other. Why should we change it? What is so wrong about what we've been doing all these years? I had a fight with a brother over Christmas break. And it was bad. I don't fight with anyone, hardly ever. I argue all the time, but to actually fight happens so rarely that when it does, I have no idea how to act. There we were stuck in the car, with a good 20 minutes left of our ride home. I didn't know what I was expected to say, or how to make it right. I sat there wanting to make this horrible silence go away. But I didn't know how. I wanted to make a joke but I didn't trust myself to speak. I was hurt, genuinely hurt, and as badly as I wanted to make things right, I didn't know how to share that. I was worried I would come off as emotional, irrational and thus render my opinion invalid. I hated that about myself, because here I was hurt and I wasn't allowing myself to express that, all because I was worried that I would come off as something that I actually was. I knew I felt emotional about this but I thought I would lose my standing if I showed this emotion. I was hiding part of myself from a person that I loved so I wouldn't feel inadaquete. How screwed up is that? We made the argument right later on, we worked it out. We apologized, we made up, and I hold no harsh feelings to this brother at all. But we had to do it over the phone, which I hated. We lost the last two days of our family break in awkwardness because of this. No one else was involved and as always we kept it quiet. But there was no time for us all to sit down, and none of us really wanted to make it right then, we all needed a little time. The last two days were forced niceties, and underlying anger. It was awkward, and I hated that. I'm glad it's over, and we've moved on. But family relationships are oftentimes the hardest, but I think that's as it should be.

IV. The worst night of my life
We're moving out of the depressing end of my life, into an incredibly depressing part of my life. But a lot more humorous, for you maybe, certainly not for me.
It was the Phantom weekend, RuthAnn and Naomi and I decided to do some shopping on our way back home. We stopped at Gurnee Mills for a few hours, did a lot of shopping and had a great time. We had agreed to go with N's college group to dinner, a college group that R and I have long disliked. We wondered amongst ourselves, how bad could it be? It would only be for a couple of hours, we would be there for each other, moral support, most of the people we didn't like were gone for Christmas break, N would appreciate it and the food was supposed to be good. So we went. It wasn't bad, It wasn't horrible. It was the single worst experience of my life. (Slight exaggeration). R and I still wonder how we could have gone so wrong, how we ever let the other agree to this? And we have made vows to each other to never let it happen again. Mere words would not even begin to sum up what happened in those few short hours. If we ever talk face-to-face I am more than willing to explain to you what happened that night. But putting it here isn't enough. I need hand gestures, I need vocal emotion, I need contact with you to make you understand.
A quick short list that does not even begin to sum it all up:
1. Yelling "Hey Santa" from a moving car, at the top of your lungs, at a man walking down the street in a red hat has never been and never will be funny.
2. Explaining to us in your junior-high-voice how life for you stops when you receive a text, and how you're really trying to change that in your own life, explaining this to us while you're texting might be just a little ironic.
3. When you're stupid, never, ever tell me what your favorite movies or music is, you do realize how much ammunition that gives me right? You give me Rascal Flattts, and How to lose a guy in 10 days, and you've opened the door wide open for endless ridicule.
4. Don't ever, ever, ever, ever, ever try to sound like you know anything about politics when you just came from a Mike Huckabee rally. And don't ever idealize politics by using Mike Huckabee.
5. Don't tell me that you hate Romney, and then have no reason for it. (I hate Romney too, but at least I have a reason)
6. Trust me we don't want to hear about your political beliefs when you're confused between Congress and the Senate.
7. No, contrary to popular belief (or at least starbucks-cool-college-preppy-group popular belief) making gang symbols in repeated pictures does not make you look gangsta, it also does not make you look in the least attractive.
8. Any person who is still laughing 5 minutes later after the white-girl-trying-to-look-a-gangsta-symbol-pictures are taken is not worth anyone's time.
And the list goes on....and on.... and on.... and on.... The only reason I'm stopping my list making is because I'm dredging up memories that should be repressed.
Seriously if you have the time, ask me about it and I'll tell you all of it in vivid detail.

V. New Experiences
I did something over Christmas break that I had never done before. I did something that I have wanted to do for a while, I've greatly looked forward to it, but I didn't think it would happen for quite some time. But it did. I loved every minute of it, I did it with just the right people, at just the right time, and enjoyed every minute of it. It's sad in a way, because I'll never have that first-time-experience again, but I loved it while it lasted. The very thought is kind of a guilty pleasure to me, I think about it when I am bored with current conversation (that happens a lot), my mind kind of drifts to it, and I smile, because I'm happy that I was able to experience it. I'm happy that I waited long enough to enjoy it. I'm happy that it was everything that I wanted it to be. So what did I do? I would maybe tell you, if I actually knew you, but even then the chances are slim. If I wrote it down though you would laugh and say, "That's what you were so excited about, I do that all the time, I can't even remember the first time I did that, it was so long ago." Well I remember the first time I did it and I'm proud of it.

VI. The New England Patriots
Went 16-0. My heart stopped and started during that fateful game against the giants. I watched every minute unable to take my eyes away. I yelled at Brady, on a regular basis, but screamed at Randy Moss at that huge dropped pass. How sweet was it, that they went and did the exact same play and completed it? I jumped for joy, tears were threatening to spill, and all was right with the world. We won and went 16-0, I wondered if anything could be better? 17-0 was. Tomorrow is the AFC Championship game vs. the Chargers, we beat them 38-14 during the regular season, but this is the playoffs. They have grown drastically as a team since then. I'm worried, I am, winning would be wonderful, can you imagine how much better 18-0 would be? I am not letting myself think about 19-0 because that is to sweet to even imagine. My picks are Patriots vs. Packers in the Super Bowl, which brings me to a dilema. I unfortunately live in Wisconsin, and the place here has gone nuts, at the thought that their packers could win a super bowl, and as much as I respect Favre, for having a comeback season and all that, I would love to see the Patriots pull off a perfect season. But the Chargers come first. Pray for Us.

All things considered, it's amazing you made it through this whole thing. I hope you accomplished a couple of things useful during this rather lengthy post. I watched two movies, and ate dinner, so I hope you've done at least that much. I'm glad you're here. I know I don't post often, but I love that I can. During Christmas break there were many times that I wanted to sit down with you and just write about my experiences. I finally found that time, and I feel better now that some of them are written out. There were more experiences but I don't have enough time. Certain beautiful things are calling to me, that involve a blanket, a pillow, and a bed. Thank you for being here. I appreciate it more than you know. I'll try not to make it a month and 3 days next time.
Joanna