The Grief Contest

I was at work this week. I was working with a girl, not my favorite co-worker, but certainly not the worst. We were sitting in the break room/back room/employee lounge area eating our food.

That day, so far, had been uneventful. I had asked Tina, when we began working, how her New Years celebrations had gone and after hearing about the party-of-the-ages for twenty minutes, she casually mentioned her boyfriend's grandfather had died on new years day.

I expressed my condolences and asked if it was unexpected. She replied everyone had been hoping he would die soon since he was in so much pain. Her boyfriend was looking into now acquiring his grandfather's home and some money. He, she confided, had been sad to see his grandpa go, but happy he was in no more pain, and excited about possibly getting the house. They were going to the funeral later that week.

She then moved on in the conversation to once again the party-of-the-ages her boyfriend had taken her to new year's day night (after the announcement). And I, continued on in the conversation with her.

What happened in that break room 3 hours later was strange.

We were sitting, eating and discussing something when another co-worker, Annie, came in to clock-in for the day. I had not seen this coworker since before New Years and after wishing her a good morning asked her how her New Years had been.

She replied immediately with "It was the worst New Years of our lives." She explained. She and her husband were sick with colds all New Years Eve and New Years Day. They were supposed to go play cards with some friends but had to decline. They both laid on the couches both days and were miserable.

No sooner had she finished with the list, and I had opened my mouth to say I was sorry--that sounded horrible, when Tina popped in. "No you didn't have the worst New Years ever. You know who did? Drake (boyfriend). His Grandpa died on New Years day. It was the worst day for him--ever. He was a mess all day long and I was with him the whole time."

Annie replied, "Well that's too bad. It was annoying being sick. I mean, I had those days off and my husband and I couldn't do anything."

Tina said, "You know what else was horrible. Drake's cousin's birthday was New Years Eve. She had her Grandpa practically die on her birthday, and now the funeral is this week and all these people are heartbroken. That girl is going to think about that every New Years. It was the worst New Years."

Annie replied quickly and bitterly, "My 36 year-old son died on his birthday. And that was a horrible thing. Every time his birthday comes around I have to deal with both his birthday and his death."

Tina was not to be put off, "And now Drake's family has to deal with this horrible death right around the holidays. It's the worst time for someone to die--especially when it's unexpected."

Annie muttered her son had died close to Thanksgiving, and something more about pain around the holidays being the worst type of pain and left the room.

I turned to Tina, "I thought you said his death wasn't unexpected." She looked quickly away, "Well, they knew he was going to die soon, but they didn't think it would be New Years Day--they were thinking a few days after."

Later on I talked to Annie "So, after you were both feeling better were you able to celebrate New Years?"

"Oh yes. We headed to my daughter's house on the 2nd, and spent time with the grandchildren. It worked out well. They had all been at their other grandparents home for New Years Eve and New Years Day. We had a great time with them, and then we left and had a make-up date for our card game. Two other couples had not been able to make it at the original date so they canceled the New Year's Eve game, but we all made it for the make-up time--we had fun."



I've been told grief is the most encompassing human emotion. I've heard more people feel grief than feel love. I remember when I heard that comment I found it strange. When we grieve, is it not because we loved?

But that's not important. What is important is why these women felt the need to "top" one another's grief stories. They both felt grief, I'm sure. But what about the hearing of another person's grief brought out the need to inflate their grief?

We've created a culture in which to feel whole we must feel disenfranchised. We all somewhere, in our brains, know no one has a perfect past, everyone has pain, everyone has trials and fears. But we are still constantly trying to prove to ourselves (and sometimes others) our incredible ability to overcome whatever our past circumstances were and survive.

That belief is selfish, close-minded and hurtful for others. We need to get over ourselves.

Let each human feel grief, let each one feel love, let each overcome whatever they've encountered and help make them into who they are today, but don't constantly insert yourself into the picture to prove your ability to also overcome.

You're just showing your lack of humans who have overcome--the ability to think on others and not themselves.