Jealousy?

Jealousy as defined by Dictionary.com "jealous resentment against a rival, a person enjoying success or advantage etc, or against another's success or advantage itself."

I have never considered myself to be a jealous person. I don't remember being jealous as a child. Lately though I've been wondering, "Am I jealous or simply in awe of?, And what is the difference between the two if there even is a difference?" Here are my thoughts:

I see jealousy as being angry at someone who is better at something than you, for having something you don't, for understanding something that you don't, for going in a direction that you can't. On the other hand, I see being in awe of as being able to stop, look at, appreciate, and move on with a new way of seeing the world going with you.

I am constantly in awe of something. Recently, I walked into my sisters room. She has a day-by-day calendar of drawings and sayings by M.C. Escher. I looked at the picture for that day and was struck in awe of. It was titled "Metamorphosis" the colors were all black and white like all good Escher pictures are. If you looked at the left side of the page there were birds and if you moved your eyes to the right the birds changed shapes little by little until when you reached the right side of the page all you saw were boxes. Somehow in the split second that you moved your eyes across the page you saw the lines change enough for your mind to believe them, until you were looking at something completely different than what you started with. I stood in awe of that picture, to make something so believable and yet so unbelievable is a talent that I can't understand. Even explaining it on paper is incredibly hard, I want to take your hand, and I want to show you the picture, I want to watch your face as you look, stop, look again and then say, "Wow". I am constantly standing in awe of art and artists. They see the world differently than I do, we can look at the same landscape and they see something completely different, and then most amazingly of all, they can express that, in a way that I can understand. Poetry comes to mind, I can not write poetry, the closest I have ever come to writing poetry is my brother and I writing fake, lame, satirical pop songs. But I was reading Shakespeare's sonnets the other day, and he was writing about an attraction that while not serious was still enjoyable, and with his beautiful words, flowing prose and uncanny ability to express what is felt by millions every day, I understood what he was saying, I could see situations in my mind where what he was saying applied to. I could relate to this man's art. I love to hear a great orchestra play a piece that I know, I love to see their interpretation of the composers art, and the orchestra who while they are playing his art are making art of their own that is different, yet just as beautiful. To me that is the beauty of Bach, I have heard Bach so many times in my life. More often than not, I have heard Bach played badly, and yet every now and then I have heard it played with understanding, with feeling, with artistry. It is the people that take Bach and make it their own that can give you an experience that surpasses words. I heard an incredible choir sing a year ago, I sat there listening, not believing what my ears were hearing. Their music was incredible, their interpretation was breathtaking, their technique was flawless, and the result was unspeakable. I have never forgotten that experience. For me that is art, that is taking those experiences with you for the rest of your life, that is carrying that memory of those feelings with you, that is understanding of what that person meant in the poem, that is standing in awe of.

Jealousy I consider quite different. I can appreciate what artists can do, but I know that I can't do it. I can see what painters, musicians, writers, architects, business men do, but I can't do it. I don't have those talents. Jealousy has always seemed to me resenting someone who was doing something you can to a certain degree do, only they can and are doing it much better. I sit all day in classes with smart people, I sing in choir with beautiful voices, I listen to teachers teach in their areas of expertise, I see people who can always make you smile, I see people who know exactly what they want in life and are getting it, I sit next to beautiful girls and know that I can never look like that, I see people who are not afraid to make fools of themselves, I see people who are so talented in so many areas, so much so that I can point to them and tell you their talents. But when I look at myself, I don't see those things. I don't see someone who is insanely intelligent, I don't see someone who is beautiful, I don't see someone who knows exactly what they're going to do with their lives, I don't see someone who can sing beautifully, I don't see someone who is brave.

So am I jealous? Maybe so, it's not an art thing, where I know that I could never do it, but I can appreciate and enjoy those who do. It's a talent thing where I see very clearly where other people's talents are, but no matter how hard I look, I can't see mine.